I don’t think that I would post anything at all today if I didn’t just let what I was feeling fall straight out, I know that I am going to feel icky when I look back on this post but I am determined to write and I am hoping if I rant I might make myself feel a bit better. It has not been a good day, I have muddled through and just kept going but I am swamped.
Today is the day that I broke
I am extremely busy and it has been a long time since I had a day off, my choice, I could have turned projects down, but I do have a mortgage to pay. For anyone that says I need to look after myself, I know, I do my best, but I spent last summer not working and not acting, I am not going to turn down opportunities right now, so I just have to suck it up. I was full up and brittle already and then this week I had a flare up of autoimmune rubbish, which took away any leeway in time and energy that I had.
So, today when I was having to do a lot of work and being let down by other people, it all got too much, confusion led to shouting, then crying, then a panic attack which left me beaten and stripped of anything ready for a rehearsal. The rehearsal itself went ok, although I felt raw and tired and knew that I had to get back to get back to work. I should be doing it now.
I feel like I am always the one that has to pull everything together and I feel like I am surrounded by people taking the piss and not pulling their weight or treating me like sh**. I don’t want to go into loads of detail, but I am feeling sorry for myself and I am completely overstretched, mainly because other people have f***ed me over. From the co-workers who consistently “forget” deadlines and leave me picking up the pieces, the men in work that tell me that they respect me more when I wear high heels, to the person who fired me because “our relationship had broken down” (their was no relationship), the CEO who thought it was appropriate to talk to me about his drug habits before trying to make me look after them, the people who think that it is ok to pay actors in air so that they have “the privilege to perform” and the boss who told me that I wasn’t allowed to ask questions in meetings, and those who I have worked for who just haven’t paid me!
And the rubbish thing about all this is that the people who are decent get the brunt of the stress, I have colleges, family, friends who are AMAZING – but they are the ones that I end up not giving time to because of the d***heads.
Why is any of this ok?
Why does it always happen to me?
Mainly because I am not a bitch at work, I give people the benefit of the doubt, apparently I give people too many chances and this is why they end up letting me down. I know I do that, I know, but I don’t see it until it is too late and there is nothing left but to take the brunt of the work and the least of the credit.
That is the end of my rant, no apologies, no clever conclusions, I have nothing left. I just want to sleep, although I know it will be a while before that happens.